This is a piece written out of imagination, circumstances and thoughts. Whatever is mentioned in this piece does not point fingers at any specific individual but a problem faced by many in quiet corners.  

I have heard people mention girls with daddy issues and I always imagined they might be some hostile babes, who had daddies do all sorts of malicious doings to them and hence they become psychopath mwiko throwing lunatics with possible files opened in her name in Mathare —that’ll likely end with the cops coming to your house, you having to repaint your car, crushed handset , trip to the cells, or having to call Safaricom to block a number from reaching your “phone.” 

I am a normal girl, I do not consider myself a psychopath of any kind because I relate very well with my friends, neighbors and people around me. However, I came to realize that I do have daddy issues.

depressed girl- wordpress

I have always been very cautious of any male I interact with and I was never keen on getting into any long term relationship because I found fault in almost every guy I came across. ‘He is too demanding, he has no ambition, he is too ghetto, he is an overgrown baby, he talks too little, he talks too much’ so many misfits to deal with and I eventually thought there was something wrong with me because I expect too much.

The cluelessness of what to expect from a man is beyond me. I would be taken to a local cheap joint to share a meal with a potential boyfriend  and for me that was a splendid way to hang out. No guy had taken me out before! I did not know whether he is expected to pay for the date or not because most times I would go for lunch dates with my girls and we always split the bill. Would it be wrong if I paid for the date or is that stooping too low? My friends would brag of how their boyfriends took them to high end restaurant and I couldn’t get my boyfriend to take me to a local restaurant without feeling guilty for demanding too much from him. If he would forget my birthday, who am I to demand a gift yet even my own dad doesn’t remember my birthday. Does he remember if i exist? Holding Hands _wordpress

Whether my boyfriend is expected to take care of me and to what extent, was a dilemma I always got into whenever I got into a relationship. How can I gauge what a man can do for me and to me and what he can’t, if I have nothing to compare to. I hear of men who complain that having a woman is expensive, what is expensive and where should I draw the line without extorting my other half? My friends’ take care of their girlfriends hair, buy them clothes and shoes, cater for their daily needs and I wouldn’t even know what to ask for because I take care of myself entirely, I always have. I have never thought of  my dad as a salvation call because he doesn’t portray himself as my hero anyway. So what happens if I am in the wrong man’s arms who would save me? Who would say that I am drowning yet this feels like the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have a man who stays without providing. At least he didn’t leave and I am no longer lonely, Right?

What standards have been set here and by who? Some of the girls get lucky and get boyfriends who have been brought up to be astounding men  but what about the ones who belong to team mafisi? How do I evade them yet the one who is currently pursuing me, is helping me get a job, gives me 30k pocket money every month and helped me cater for mum’s hospital bill? How do I get away from him yet now I feel like I owe him more than anything?

How would I know what to walk away from, yet this is the first man that has chosen to be with me, is doing a far better job than you did as a father despite the fact that he is not exactly my boyfriend. He willingly provides for me and takes care of me without the constant reminder that he paid my bills last year or paid for my diploma course when I chose to go to school. Why would I seek to look for the ideal man who will pay my dowry, take me to church and marry me yet there’s no one to warn him against messing with his daughter. No one is there to tell him the do’s and don’ts when it comes to dating me. If he got me pregnant right now, who would caution him yet my daddy got to walk away anyway. Didn’t he?

How would I know am selling myself short yet he comes home everyday, bought me the latest german car and beats me like crazy at the end of the day. Why would I stop him and walk away yet that’s the closest thing that got me catching up with what I missed from my childhood. (not the beating really but a man who stayed)At the end of the day, he buys me gifts, takes care of me and well he punishes me when I upset him but its not too bad, because He loves me. Doesn’t he?   Lonely Girl _wordpress

Why would I wish to let a man make demands in my house yet I have only lived with women who call the shots and they do it well. If my only image that lingers in my head of a man is absent then how am I supposed to deal with the one who is present?

If the only version of a man I have, is the one seen in the movies, soap operas and books how am I expected to know when am having too much expectations or stooping too low because there is nothing to compare to. Is it my fault that he walked away?  Now am clueless of what to truly expect when it comes to a good relationship with a man.

From a girl with daddy issues.




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