I stared at the doctor for more than five minutes trying to comprehend what he had just said a few minutes ago. The next thing that came out of my mouth was “how?” This was a very stupid question I might add, because with all the biology that was impacted in me for four years I definitely knew how, but “How did this happen?”
I started thinking that maybe it was it happened after exams I was pretty bummed then or maybe it happened when I went swimming at Joe’s or it is probably the day we left for camping in Amboseli? I couldn’t retrace my steps anymore, I just sat there perplexed that this was actually happening to me. I had always pictured having kids with Mr K but not this soon but thank God its Mr.K right? We were in love and that’s all that matters in case anybody asks.
The doctor brought me back to reality by asking if I knew the father and if we would visit him next week so that he would advise on the way forward. I nodded my head and smiled assuring him that I will handle that.
“I am pregnant! There’s a little human growing inside of me! This was an awkward feeling almost like the world had changed when I walked in and out of the health center. I walked in a sick girl with fatigue disorder and I walked out pregnant. What are the odds? I strolled towards the hostels trying to compose a sensible sentence of how I will break the news to my beloved Mr K .
I was excited and at the same time confused. All along I was thinking of Mr.K’s reaction when I tell him we are going to be parents and I had totally forgotten about what my mother’s reaction would be. I called him,we met in his room and I eagerly broke the news to him. We are going to have a baby! I am pregnant! He retracted his steps and squinted his eyes while he shook his head. “No! No! No! This cannot be happening ! I can’t do this ! and before I knew it he left the room without saying another word. That was not the reaction I expected. Coming from a man who was madly in love with me the expectation was confusion YES! Joy YES! and confusion OhYES! but not denial and disappointment. It was almost like I had failed him. I had failed our relationship.
I stayed at my friend’s place for a while as I tried to find my equilibrium because my life was all over the place. I waited for Mr. K’s call so that we would talk about the situation at hand but to no avail. He never picked my calls neither did he reply to my countless messages. Everyday, emptiness began to make home in my life as I slowly came to the realization that this was not going to end well.
All this while, I was afraid to call my mother and tell her what happened. I would be a disgrace, she had always warned me about this and look at me now, I got caught in the same trap she had prevailed me from. How do I explain to her that I wasn’t philandering with the men in campus but I innocently fell in love. How do I explain that this was not a way to shame her but I just got up in love. How to I tell her that my agenda was pure and not to shame her to her friends and family? How do I tell the single mum who has sacrificed a good part of her life to raise good girls is now about to watch history repeat itself.
Mr. K called after 3 weeks after I broke the news. He said he had a future to protect and dreams to fulfill and being a father in campus wasn’t one of them. He said he wasn’t ready to do this and he sent me kshs 12,000 to abort the pregnancy.”It is the best way to handle it, no one has to know!” He said. I was then 7 weeks pregnant, it was still a good time to terminate the pregnancy but I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t bring myself to even think about it. So I kept it.
I finally broke the news to my mum, and we didn’t speak for three months consecutively. She cried on the phone the day we spoke and called me an ungrateful child. How do I tell her that I really meant no harm to her, and that I just fell in love. I was in a relationship with that one man and the only man I had loved but now I look like every careless girl out there who can’t keep her legs together. I didn’t know he would ran away, I did not know that he had plans that didn’t involve me. I have seen couples fall in love in campus, got pregnant and moved in together, I knew this would be us. I believed that we were in love but how do I explain to every person who sees me as a single mum that I didn’t see this coming. That my baby was not a mistake of a one night stand, that I actually fell in love, made love with a man and now I look like an irresponsible girl.
Mr. K gets to walk away with no sticker or tattoo or any mark that he once got a girl pregnant and didn’t feel like being a dad and no one will judge him. He got to finish his undergraduate degree, did his masters and became a profound engineer and nobody gets to know that he is a baby daddy. He is a respectable member of the community. Many parents and neighbors will tell their children to emulate the perfect example of Mr.K because there’s is no evidence that he got to walk away.
Now what really ticks me off is when I hear people subject the single mums out there almost like they planned to be in this predicament from the beginning. If it was so easy to wait how come no one gets to tell us about the real temptation. People make falling in love seem like formulated procedure,like a guy, have all sorts of feelings, but keep your legs together until you both say I do. However, not all single mums got their kids out of wedlock some were actually married for years but now they are single parents. Men get to chant about thee man dating a lady with kids to be outrageous but no one seems to care that probably those single mums became that way because of love. These mums may never get to experience a normal relationship because no one else wants to handle any other man’s baggage.
Then who gets to love the single mums because both the baby daddy and potential boyfriends do not want the baggage.
Being single and being a single mum.. that’s a story for another day!