I have been feeling weird of late not the normal kind of weird but the one that gets you seated at the corner of a room and you keep calling yourself for a meeting. I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, because I am not the same person anymore but I can’t put a finger on how to get back on track.
I always imagined when I grew up, life would become easier to decode. I knew I would know what to do when certain things happen. I hated being called lazy because honestly I believed I was hardworking and tried to maintain some certain type of order. However, growing up has become even more confusing than when I was younger.
My alarm went off at 5.00am like it does every weekday but this Monday something was different. I heard the alarm but I didn’t move. I heard it go on and on until it finally went silent. Slowly, I changed position in my bed, pulled the duvet and continued to sleep. I was aware of the time, I counted the seconds, the minutes and for about an hour I contemplated whether I should wake up or not. My mental fight was why I should wake up that early and to do what exactly.
Side A: Wake Up, you need to work on that report and do your research before you leave for work.
Side B: I don’t feel like waking up, I feel tired and I don’t have the psyke to do anything at this very moment.
Side A: No, don’t be lazy! You could start with simple exercises like you always do, it’s on your list, your day will be so much better.
Side B: you slept late, you need to sleep.
Side A: You really need to wake up! You want a better life for yourself. Tips of being successful is waking up early and being productive
Side B: I am not in the mood, I am tired
For about an hour I argued with myself and Side B won. I don’t understand why. My energies to wake up and be more active have reduced tremendously and I feel so guilty knowing that I should have done better.
As times passes by, I feel more ashamed that I am lagging behind in my assignments, my projects and slowly defecting to a status of merely existing and doing the bare minimum.
The funny thing about all this, is that I am aware and I keep promising myself that tomorrow I will do better. I will reform and get out of this upsetting maze of laziness and procastinastion. I don’t like my state at all but everyday proves harder than before and the four walls of my room keep closing in on me making me feel that I may result to a failure and I won’t have an explanation of how I got here. How do you explain to anyone, even yourself that you just gave up trying so hard and settled for bare minimum.
I am clogged with nothingness but craving for more of life, strength and winning spirit.
Please don’t call me asking what’s wrong. I am also trying to figure that out. The last thing I need right now is pity, I do that to myself everyday. However, if you meet me, know I am trying to get out of this mess and hoping to be better.