And Here We Are…

Here we are, in my 30s and still haven’t figured out life yet. As I type this, I am still half way to pay my rent, my fridge is almost empty only filled with cold water because the sun is currently visiting with its relatives. We have to keep hydrated and mind our business right?! Also, my electricity is beeping so loudly from downstairs aching to go off. Most things don’t make sense right now. I always thought I was disciplined, hardworking and meticulous at everything I do but as I grow older I realize you need more then the above to function.

I had dreams that by now, I would be a growing experienced film producer, with a couple of movies on my portfolio and a number of short films and interesting documentaries to my name. The dream looked good both on paper and in my daydreams but in reality things were not exactly falling into place. Back in 2015 as I was writing my resignation email, I knew that was the first step of betraying my dream and I pursued an adventure into entrepreneurship or lets just say hopscotch in business. I took the road because it was the only open door at that moment in time. Previously, I had asked too many people I knew in the industry to adopt me to their gigs or get me a permanent position as a producer elsewhere but after months and months of trying, I chose to give up and start a whole new journey entirely.

I am not exactly complaining but I feel like I have lost my game in entrepreneurship altogether. My zeal to keep things afloat seems to be growing fainter and fainter. Am I moving in the right direction? Is my question every morning. Sometimes I would blame it on my parents for not being rich, in an acclaimed high esteemed social network, but then not everyone who is successful now, grew up rich. So eventually, I realize it’s my fault but I still don’t know how to change this tide so I can finally be in a place that I am achieving my goals and I am able to take care of my bills without leaving from hand to mouth.

I thought by the time I hit 30, I should have settled at doing something and be great at it. I love winning and I love being the best. I cried when I was not top 4 in my class in my primary school. I kinda gave that up in high school and that kind of affected my campus achievements, but the minute I got to working, I always put my best foot forward. I wanted to win. I wanted to make my mother proud. I wanted to also drive a car, live in a suburb neighborhood and be the first female in my mother’s family to be financially and socially successful. I have no idea what that means. But as we speak, I am clueless as to where this journey called life is taking me.I still don’t know how to drive, I am mostly a loner now and my finances keep giving me the side eyes and I am honestly tired of being broke.

Oh yah, have I mentioned that I am loner and I am not sure how relationships work these days. One day you meet a guy, the next you are friends. The talking stage could take longer or a shorter time before you are naturally ghosted. Some come at you with I am not yet ready to settle down and others have a weird idea of what a partner should be, which to me is closely related to a lot mothering and household duties that I have naturally come to detest ever since I was 19. Also there’s the additional mind games and false pretense of love which I am not sure if the men are awarded thereafter but they have become merciless and pretty good at them. So even if I thought being married with kids at 30 was an actual goal some 15 years ago, right now it is one of those goals I keep procrastinating because I am not sure if I am well equipped to tackle it.

Someone should have warned me about this kind of confusion. I hate to deny that I loathe being the one in need all the time. I hate responding to “How are you?” with “I am taking a day at a time” because you really do not want to say “I am confused, lost and I feel exhausted for always being broke” all the time. Is this it? Is this the whole point of growing up and finding out that even being a top student back in grade school doesn’t guarantee any sort of success in your adult life. Damn! I really need a Eureka moment fast!

If you have been reading this, your first instinct is to worry about me, you will be tempted to call me and give me some sort of consolation and tell me everything will be OK. I get that. I would have been tempted to do the same. However, this is more of an internal struggle of finding my way to my purpose and hoping my tide will finally change. Really the only thing that 30 is really doing to me is lots of panic and not caring much about the social network. You work with whats working. But honestly speaking, I want to find my space in filming, business, love and financial freedom. Maybe this writing is my first step into it. Maybe people will like my writing and I would later become the next E.L James. (ps. I think she is amazing). Or maybe I will get a random creative who will want to make movies and short films with me. Who knows? I just want my eureka moment and money that comes a long with it.

Otherwise, I think Shonda Rhimes really likes playing with our feelings and she has become so good at it and I am in awe. At least she gets paid to do it but Wow! I don’t know what I would do without Miranda but who knows what Shonda will do at this rate. And here we are…thanks for reading my mind conversations.